Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The Jardine Motel

Let me write an ad for the place I stay:


Welcome to the new and improved Jardine Motel! We have recently doubled the amount of motels in the area so there will be a few changes. First let me just point out how nice all those other motels we just built are, if you would like to move to one of them you may do so for a sizable moving fee and twice the current room fee (don't worry, your fee will also increase too!).

The first change that you will notice is that we have stopped all service of your reliable daily (half price) city newspaper. Starting immediately everyone in the Jardine Motel will get a free newspaper. This newspaper is hand copied by us, so is nowhere as good as the daily newspaper, plus it is only delivered half the time. But it's free. Also, to read the newspaper you must wear special glasses that you may not take off once you put them on, of course unless you know the password, which only we do, and we will not tell you it.

Another change is in the way your bill is paid. Instead of checking in at your motel you will now check it at a convent central location in another town. This way everybody the in area has a chance to meet you as you check in each day. Also remember that we have your messages each day there, and if you want to send a message you must go there now too. So that 1 minute errand is now an enjoyable 20 minute trip. Just another new service we offer here at the Jardine Motel.

As in the past you are allowed to have a guest visit while you are staying, but instead of just having your guest visit they must first travel across town to get a permit to be there. And no, you may not pick it up for your guest ahead of time. Also we can only let your guest stay for six hours. Also we will randomly check for guests in the evening just to make sure you don't have any unregistered guests.

As if those changes weren't enough just remember that we still have the features that you know and love about the Jardine Motel experience:

You must still remember when your bill is due because we will not remind you when it is. And if it is even half a day late we will charge you extra and put a freeze on all of your assets (which will take days to get unfrozen). Just a reminder that you will be charged automatically through our network, even though we can not send out any reminder of when a bill is due.

We also still have food detectors in all of the rooms that will beep constantly whenever food is present in your room. You are allowed, and encouraged, to have food, but you will have to live with the noise. It is for your own safety.

Also, you will be able to take free communal showers until we get them upgraded. A disclaimer: if you become more dirty from washing in the showers that is not our fault. We are, after all, building new Jardine Motels. Any damage to self from the water during washing is not our fault. We recommend that you find another place to pay to take a shower if you think that you might get dirty from taking a shower. And please be patient with the other patrons in the shower, do not ask for them to leave if they have been using the shower for over half a day.

Also we have stopped all phone service, all your need destinations are a quick 15 minutes away, and we still offer the smallest rooms in the business. You may not redecorate at all, we will have the cleaning lady come by at any time we choose, and you must clear all modes of transportation through us. We are glad that you chose to stay in Jardine Motels, we will try to find anyway possible to make your experience more annoying.

At Jardine we used to be for families, now we are for brats.

4 comments:

Think Frustrated said...

WTF?

The Math Ninja said...

You failed to mention the climate controlling.

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

well you've definitely sold me! When can I check in?

The Gare Bear said...

Not to mention the fact that the Jardine hotel management randomly shows up once in awhile to randomly cut down a few trees for no apparent good reason. And, who cares if the metal stairs rot off while they are waiting to demolish the old rooms for the new ones?